Putting Yourself First

I think one of the hardest things about being a mom is the idea of putting yourself first. I don't know how many mom's told me after I had Connor "make time for yourself;" "you'll be a better mom when you stop being a mom for an afternoon." I don't know about anyone else, but I have a really tough time with this. I felt split, constantly. I knew I wanted some time away, just for me and not listening for crying, whining or demands but when I was finally away, my mind was still stuck on Connor. Is he alright? Is he being good? Is he causing trouble? Does the person watching him know that when he does "this and that" it means "this and that"?? I finally got to a fairly good spot before we moved from Savannah. I went to the gym and got a good workout in with no issue. Well, relatively speaking...if you have ever dropped your kids off at the Gym CDC you know why the care there is always in the back of your mind. But here I am, dealing with the same things about Alaina. Ben and I took the kids to the RASP Gym last night so I could do my first strength training workout. The idea was that Ben could help me out, there was a mat room that Connor can safely play in and Alaina would sleep in her car seat. I couldn't through my cardio warm-up before I was distracted. Connor was playing on the elliptical and then the row machine, falling off the stairclimber. Luckily, there were very few other guys working out and they were so focused on their grunts and growls that they paid zero attention to my little fire team invading the gym. Regardless, I got through 25 minutes of mixed cardio and then moved to the weight room. Here, Alaina started fussing. Great! Ben had Connor occupied in the mat room but as I stood in the weight room with all the machines, I felt such an overwhelming sense of clausterphobia. I wasn't comfortable there and in fact, despite the massive amount of pounds I need to lose, I felt downright small. Small, as in insecure and out-of-place. Yikes! This is so daunting. I have worked out with weights since high school but instantaneously I felt completely out of my comfort zone and like a fish out of water. I got a workout in and it felt good but wowza... I am currently looking up circuit training programs online to try and get a good feel for the main things I want to do in the gym so I am not wasting time. As I am googling and finding an overload of information, Alaina is screaming bloody murder and like everything and every project I try to get done, I am finding myself rushing through and trying to wrap it up as quickly as possible.

mmmm....Jello

Have you noticed that you try to make yourself feel better about mediocrity by talking about it as if it were the best thing ever? That's how I feel about my jello tonight. Jello pudding is good, don't get me wrong. Chocolate jello pudding is a little better but in reality, what I really want is Bruester's Buckeye ice cream or some frozen Girl Scout Thin Mints....now THAT would be divinity. But, I am back on track after cinnamon rolls for breakfast and some leftover pizza for lunch and so I am thoroughly enjoying my chocolate jello pudding. I (typically) have the best motivation for sticking to my goals when I get a good workout in and, in fact, the entire day was great. My run went really well this morning and I used it again for some good meditation and conversation with God. Well, the conversation was good when I stopped focusing on my double sports bra that was holding the girls in place but cramming my waist down and then all I felt was all that baby cush left around the middle. *Sigh...

Oh my

Yep...really no words to explain yesterday than...oh my. It was finals week for Ben and since we were traveling all last week, everything was crammed into a few short days culminating with a long weekend of Ben being gone to the library, late night writing sessions and an entire Sunday (from 6:00am.-midnight) of working non-stop on the remaining research papers, exams, and discussion boards he had left. Which left me, to do the rest. I'm not gonna lie to ya, I was so frustrated. However, I don't mind picking up the slack because all these college courses are working towards finishing his degree to better our future. Me picking up the slack, incredible exhaustion and a gorgeous weather weekend means there is much to be desired in every aspect of what I am trying to do here. The house right now is almost laughable. I literally could not find a spot on the counter to put a plate to make Connor's breakfast or pour his milk. I literally can not walk in the laundry room because so much has piled around the washer and dryer and to boot- Connor has ZERO clean jammies left to wear to bed tonight. There are ZERO overnight diapers left and I can't find my steambags to clean Alaina's binks or breastpumping stuff. The fridge is jammed packed with food falling out when you open the door with all the good and healthy things I bought on Thursday to help me accomplish my weight loss goals and I buckled under the weight of Connor's whining and my laziness for an easy morning and had cinnamon rolls...again. I feel like this is exactly why women have mental breakdowns. Mom's go crazy and fall off the deep end. I'm not saying I'm there...not even close. But you try so hard to create a kind of order and serenity for your home, and that idea is AMAZING until the dog walks in with dirt on her paws, and the baby cries because she's hungry and then spits up all over the place and then cries some more and your toddler whines about the un-fairness of life because you put on Mickey instead of Jake and the Neverland Pirates or the cheerios he begged for 3 minutes ago isn't what he wanted at all and should I even start on husbands?!?! But you know what....I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, maybe a maid service every 2 weeks would be nice. And Curtis Stone to cook my oh-so nutritious and delicious meals for my family...possibly Bob and Jillian to whip my post-pregnancy butt in to shape (well, maybe not Jillian, she would make me cry). But honestly, I love my life. I am blessed that God put Ben in my life. I am doubly blessed for my beautiful (if not ornry sometimes) and amazing children. Life is good, you know? Stinky diapers, muddy paws, a lawn that needs to be cut, laundry that needs to be done- it's all okay. It will get done and just so you all know...this is not usually my personality. All these things that need to be done would normally put me into panic mode overdrive, but I feel an overwhelming sense of peace. There will be enough time to get it all done and if there's not....well, there's always tomorrow.

And a sigh just about sums it up

Well, I guess the saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" is just about appropriate now. Not a complete bust, but man....when I fall off the short lived wagon, I want to jump right into the abyss and end the day on a high (or low- depending on your view point) note. Now, weekends are "free" workout days. I only planned on working out M-F but this morning, Ben suggested going to the gym so I could lift this morning. We would take the kids and he would let Connor roll around on the wrestling mats. Sounded like a fabulous plan....until Ben couldn't get his butt in gear. It took him 2 hours from the time we "woke up" to the time he actually decided to open his eyes and get up. Pathetic. Must be nice to sit on the recliner with cartoons on to keep Connor occupied while holding Alaina so she stays quiet and continue to sleep, while Mommy does some laundry, cleans up the kitchen and gets things ready and prepped for the day. But, I am also working on strengthing my relationship with my husband so I gently ask him 472 times to please wake up and get moving. Instead of going to workout out, we go to Walmart to get a new propane tank for the grill. I guess this ended up being a good thing because a lot of dinner plans for the next few weeks include grilled veggies, chicken and fish. I did make homemade gazpacho for lunch. Talk about yummy! I was mildly surprised. Full of veggies with a little bit of a kick and paired with a turkey sandwich...yum-o! Oh, and a side note, I bought that dessert gum at Walmart too. It tastes like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. It gives my mouth something to do inbetween meals when I am itching for something sweet. Spending time with my kids...yep have that one covered too. Last night, Connor and I had a date night to watch Tangled on the big screen under the stars. And when I say big screen I mean big screen!! It was the size of a drive-in theatre. He sat with his girlfriends for the first 20-30 minutes and then after that, Mommy's lap was the seat of choice and I couldn't have been more excited. Connor hasn't cuddled with me like that since he was breastfeeding and was forced to. Every once in ahilw during the movie, I would lay my head back in my chair, look up at the stars with Connor nuzzling under my chin and feel overwhelming blessings. For as frustrating as Connor can make me, he can also be so supremely sweet and loving. Overall, another good day. Wrapping up with baths for everyone and some basketball. Church tomorrow, hopefully a really good sermon will set the week off on the perfect foot.