I had my ah-ha moment this morning but, unfortunately, it has been a gradual progression and it is a good ah-ha in that I am so thankful I had it, but am really sad it took me so long.
I needed the Lord and I neglected Him because of 4000 excuses I had but it remained that I thought my way was better and that I had it all under control. Dear Child, the Lord tells me....if only you remembered Me.
So, let's start from the beginning. Packing day two weeks ago was sad. I watched everything boxed up and our entire life sitting in the garage and in our rooms in brown cardboard boxes. Loading day was worse...I was so sad but too busy to recognize it. Our entire home was loaded onto this HUGE truck in less than 3 hours and it was at that moment, when we loaded the rest of the stuff into our cars and packed up the kids that the overwhelming sensation set in that "this was it." I had a horrible sick feeling the entire drive to our new "home." I was leaving my friends and support system, I was leaving our home that is still unsold, I was going to a place I didn't know with people I didn't know. We got here and stayed in the house with no furniture for a few days, I got sick, we ate fast food for every meal, our stuff got here and we were overloaded with boxes and I didn't know where to start, got more sick, Connor has been acting out, and to top everything off now....my beloved Grandmother is, probably, dying of pancreatic cancer.
I have been trying to pray at night when I go to bed and it just didn't seem to be doing the trick...I was, virtually, doggie paddling and barely keeping my head afloat between sadness, lonliness and fear. I praised Him a few nights for making this amazing change in my husband who is becoming (again) the man I married, no longer angry and frustrated with his job and family, but again overwhelmingly loving, kind, caring and patient....he is the beautiful person I knew him to be when I fell in love with him. I praised Him for showing my sister the light of His word to "rediscover" her faith in Him. My heart burst with excitment to hear the words from her mouth that she is turning her gorgeous face to His hands and for His purpose. And yet, I was still sad.....
After news of my grandmother yesterday, I felt like someone had literally taken my heart from my chest and broke it in two. I felt like I was going to throw up. She is a rock and the most god-centered woman I know. She completely, whole-heartedly lives her life to please Him and praise Him. I reflect on her prayer journal occasionally that is dated 1944. She is the type of Christian, mother, woman I would want to more emulate in my life. As I prayed for peace for her and our family, I asked myself, "How would Gamas respond to this situation....how would she, is she handling it?" Hahahahaha....I literally, started laughing outloud and here is my ah-ha moment....of course it is. Once again, God smacked me upside the head and said, "Precious Child, I was here the entire time....you just needed to come to Me." Of course my Gamas would turn to the Lord and here I was for 2 weeks ignoring His constant calls.
I found the motivation to re-open my Beth Moore "Breaking Free" study and picked up where I left off. I am not there yet...but I feel more at peace. Through His grace, I found the time to do what I needed to do at the house, complete one day of the Bible Study and even have a little relaxation time before Connor woke up from his nap. Praise Him that he let me fit in all in. It is, most certainly, not my time management skills that let me accomplish it all today and still fill the fullness of the joy and love His provides. Each time my world is "falling apart" and the stress seems more than I can bear, I can bet it is because I have left my God somewhere. Or, in Beth Moore's words, I wasn't on the same journey God was on for me. I got lost, but rest assured, I am making my way back on track now. Praise Him for ah-ha moments!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
First taste
We are t-minus our first PCS (permanent change of station). This is my first taste of the bittersweet effects of a military move. When I moved away from home to Hunter Army Airfield with Ben the morning after we got married, I had a tough time. I cried my eyes out saying good-bye to my family and the life I had known for almost 25 years.
This is different. The excitement of a new adventure is the same, but when I left my friends and family in Ohio, I knew I would see them again. They have been a part of my life for so long that I knew moving wouldn't diminish the relationships I shared with any of them, despite the distance and few times I got to come back to Cincinnati. When you make a military move, you know as you take those last things off the wall and watch the movers pack up your life that you may never again see some of the people that (for your time at your current duty station) were the backbone of your world. It's not for lack of want, but lack of finances that make it impossible to see some friends again.....only fate let's you meet again somewhere in the world under different circumstances at yet another duty station.
Some of these women I have had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know here at Hunter may not be my best friends who know me better than all others...but they became my sisters. They were the only ones who knew the sadness and loneliness of deployments and the joy and overwhelming excitment at a 4-day weekend. They are the blessed few who understand the anticipation of another "honeymoon" because their husbands are coming home from another deployment and no one judges you because you disappear for a few days or weeks while you try and figure things out with the husband who came home from a long TDY. We are at each others baby showers and kids birthday parties, we share struggles and triumphs, we cry and laugh at the same "war stories." These women start book clubs, Bible studies, lunch groups and playdates to help pass the time and stay connected. I have known so many of these ladies for less than 2 years and the connection we share is beyond what words can express.
I am so grateful that these women have been a part of my life through such a challenging past 5 years. I couldn't be more excited for the next chapter in our lives at Fort Benning. We are going to experience, for the very first time, what it means to be a family. To have the time to bond without the threat of a deployment looming overhead, the thrill of having weekends to actually do an activity outside of a 30 minute radius, the joy of a fairly predictable schedule....but I am so sad. I am so sad that I am leaving behind another family. The bittersweet taste is hard to swallow even though I know it is beautiful and wonderful things in our future. Best make the most of these last two weeks and make them count!
This is different. The excitement of a new adventure is the same, but when I left my friends and family in Ohio, I knew I would see them again. They have been a part of my life for so long that I knew moving wouldn't diminish the relationships I shared with any of them, despite the distance and few times I got to come back to Cincinnati. When you make a military move, you know as you take those last things off the wall and watch the movers pack up your life that you may never again see some of the people that (for your time at your current duty station) were the backbone of your world. It's not for lack of want, but lack of finances that make it impossible to see some friends again.....only fate let's you meet again somewhere in the world under different circumstances at yet another duty station.
Some of these women I have had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know here at Hunter may not be my best friends who know me better than all others...but they became my sisters. They were the only ones who knew the sadness and loneliness of deployments and the joy and overwhelming excitment at a 4-day weekend. They are the blessed few who understand the anticipation of another "honeymoon" because their husbands are coming home from another deployment and no one judges you because you disappear for a few days or weeks while you try and figure things out with the husband who came home from a long TDY. We are at each others baby showers and kids birthday parties, we share struggles and triumphs, we cry and laugh at the same "war stories." These women start book clubs, Bible studies, lunch groups and playdates to help pass the time and stay connected. I have known so many of these ladies for less than 2 years and the connection we share is beyond what words can express.
I am so grateful that these women have been a part of my life through such a challenging past 5 years. I couldn't be more excited for the next chapter in our lives at Fort Benning. We are going to experience, for the very first time, what it means to be a family. To have the time to bond without the threat of a deployment looming overhead, the thrill of having weekends to actually do an activity outside of a 30 minute radius, the joy of a fairly predictable schedule....but I am so sad. I am so sad that I am leaving behind another family. The bittersweet taste is hard to swallow even though I know it is beautiful and wonderful things in our future. Best make the most of these last two weeks and make them count!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
We went to church last night for Ash Wednesday services. I was going to go by myself because Ben was still a little under the weather and service started at 6:00pm., which is nearing on Connor's bedtime. Last minute, Ben thought it would be good to go as a family. I was thrilled that he thought so but a little apprehensive because I know what Connor is like in church, doubled with an incredibly out of routine night.
Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite church services; it symbolizes so much in the Christian faith. Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent, the beginning of the 40 days Jesus went into the wilderness right before holy week and my very favorite holiday of them all, Easter. The entire season of Lent means so much to me because it is a very tangible reminder that we are capable of starting over, starting fresh. Lent usually falls right smackdab into the beginning of Spring and what better reminder of a beautiful, fresh start than the sun shining, birds singing, tulips, daylilies, and all those gorgeous spring flowers in bloom? I really love this time of year.
Outside of the religious significance of Lent, the sermon last night was about internal vs. external appearances. How much time, money and energy we spend to look "beautiful." Unfortunately, internally, most of us aren't that great. They don't sell Sephora for the soul.
Now, don't get me wrong. I make it a priority to look presentable and I don't think anyone expects you to stop taking care of yourself but the point is this. Are you investing as much time being the best person you can be? Is it anywhere near as much time as you invest on your external appearance? What a great season to start making some changes so the internal and external are more in line.
And P.S.- Connor was a great boy in church!
Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite church services; it symbolizes so much in the Christian faith. Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent, the beginning of the 40 days Jesus went into the wilderness right before holy week and my very favorite holiday of them all, Easter. The entire season of Lent means so much to me because it is a very tangible reminder that we are capable of starting over, starting fresh. Lent usually falls right smackdab into the beginning of Spring and what better reminder of a beautiful, fresh start than the sun shining, birds singing, tulips, daylilies, and all those gorgeous spring flowers in bloom? I really love this time of year.
Outside of the religious significance of Lent, the sermon last night was about internal vs. external appearances. How much time, money and energy we spend to look "beautiful." Unfortunately, internally, most of us aren't that great. They don't sell Sephora for the soul.
Now, don't get me wrong. I make it a priority to look presentable and I don't think anyone expects you to stop taking care of yourself but the point is this. Are you investing as much time being the best person you can be? Is it anywhere near as much time as you invest on your external appearance? What a great season to start making some changes so the internal and external are more in line.
And P.S.- Connor was a great boy in church!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I'm a Woman
Have you ever heard that song? It's from Smokey Joe's Cafe. One particular verse says, "I can rub and scrub till this old house is shinin' like a dime; Feed the baby, grease the car and powder my face at the same time. Get all dressed up, go out and swing till 4 am and then lay down at five, jump up at six and start all over again 'cause I'm a woman.....Double U- O- M- A- N."
Sound familiar? I think so too. I have been pretty impressed by women lately. What incredible creatures we are and what we are capable of doing day in and day out. This whole thought process came to me in (unfortunately) a moment of pride. Ben has been sick this weekend and it has really been the worst I have ever seen him. I decided the last couple nights to sleep on the couch and as I woke up this morning at 5:30am. cranky and with an aching back, I grumbled to myself about why I offered to sleep on the not-near-big-enough couch and I remembered (as I was soooooo proud of my wifely accomodations) that Ben needed a good sound night of sleep to help fight off whatever he has and my kicking him all night because he is snorning probably wouldn't help remedy the situation. But it got me thinking about being a woman in general. So much is expected of us and we are capable of so much that I am awed by being a woman. We selflessly offer the bed to our sick husbands so they can heal, we stay up all night listening to our sick babies cough in their sleep, we brew the coffee and let the dog out and get the milk sippy ready all at the same time, we are the organizational engineers of our homes.
I read a passage once in the book, "Power of a Praying Wife." At the time, I hated every second of the book. I felt like it degrated a woman as a wife into being the lower class citizen in a marriage. The line said, "The husband is the head of the household, but the wife will always be the heart." Eww, how I fought that when I read it!! But, after really thinking about it and thinking about every couple I know, it is so true. Men do hold a lot of stock in the ability to provide for their families, but women hold stock in the ability to care for the ones we love. We manage an entire household by giving it all of ourselves. We are, by nature, givers and tend to feel a lot of joy from giving to the people we hold most dear.
I thought that maybe this head/heart roles of the relationship and home only applied because Ben was the only one working and I was the one who ran the house and am raising our son but it's not the case. Women are the heart regardless of one or more or no children, whether they work outside or inside the home, whether there is a lot of money to go around or if it is tight at the end of the month. My mother and mother-in-law both worked outside the home when we were growing up and they put in as many hours as our dad's did but when they got home, the professional hat came off, Mommy hat came on and they picked up second shift of their second job....the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and everything else. I'm not saying that dad's don't pitch in...but the man and dad of the house is better at different things. Women are good at providing all the love, all the nurturing, all those non-event specific memories of a home that we tend to remember when we think about our childhood's. I am so proud to be a woman. I am proud that I have the capacity to provide for my children love and respect for women that men can't. This isn't man-bashing, this is woman-praising.
Is there a woman who is your role model? Do you admire her for any reason? Have you told her what an incredible woman she is? You should! Celebrate women and celebrate being a woman.....fully capable of doing it all! "I can stretch a green back dolla bill from here to kingdom come; I can play the numbers, pay my bills and still end up with some. I gotta twenty dollar goldpiece that says there's nothing I can't do. I can make a dress out of a feedbag and make a man outta you 'cause I'm a woman. Double U- O- M- A- N! I'll say it again. Cause I'm a woman, Double U- O- M- A- N and that's all."
Sound familiar? I think so too. I have been pretty impressed by women lately. What incredible creatures we are and what we are capable of doing day in and day out. This whole thought process came to me in (unfortunately) a moment of pride. Ben has been sick this weekend and it has really been the worst I have ever seen him. I decided the last couple nights to sleep on the couch and as I woke up this morning at 5:30am. cranky and with an aching back, I grumbled to myself about why I offered to sleep on the not-near-big-enough couch and I remembered (as I was soooooo proud of my wifely accomodations) that Ben needed a good sound night of sleep to help fight off whatever he has and my kicking him all night because he is snorning probably wouldn't help remedy the situation. But it got me thinking about being a woman in general. So much is expected of us and we are capable of so much that I am awed by being a woman. We selflessly offer the bed to our sick husbands so they can heal, we stay up all night listening to our sick babies cough in their sleep, we brew the coffee and let the dog out and get the milk sippy ready all at the same time, we are the organizational engineers of our homes.
I read a passage once in the book, "Power of a Praying Wife." At the time, I hated every second of the book. I felt like it degrated a woman as a wife into being the lower class citizen in a marriage. The line said, "The husband is the head of the household, but the wife will always be the heart." Eww, how I fought that when I read it!! But, after really thinking about it and thinking about every couple I know, it is so true. Men do hold a lot of stock in the ability to provide for their families, but women hold stock in the ability to care for the ones we love. We manage an entire household by giving it all of ourselves. We are, by nature, givers and tend to feel a lot of joy from giving to the people we hold most dear.
I thought that maybe this head/heart roles of the relationship and home only applied because Ben was the only one working and I was the one who ran the house and am raising our son but it's not the case. Women are the heart regardless of one or more or no children, whether they work outside or inside the home, whether there is a lot of money to go around or if it is tight at the end of the month. My mother and mother-in-law both worked outside the home when we were growing up and they put in as many hours as our dad's did but when they got home, the professional hat came off, Mommy hat came on and they picked up second shift of their second job....the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and everything else. I'm not saying that dad's don't pitch in...but the man and dad of the house is better at different things. Women are good at providing all the love, all the nurturing, all those non-event specific memories of a home that we tend to remember when we think about our childhood's. I am so proud to be a woman. I am proud that I have the capacity to provide for my children love and respect for women that men can't. This isn't man-bashing, this is woman-praising.
Is there a woman who is your role model? Do you admire her for any reason? Have you told her what an incredible woman she is? You should! Celebrate women and celebrate being a woman.....fully capable of doing it all! "I can stretch a green back dolla bill from here to kingdom come; I can play the numbers, pay my bills and still end up with some. I gotta twenty dollar goldpiece that says there's nothing I can't do. I can make a dress out of a feedbag and make a man outta you 'cause I'm a woman. Double U- O- M- A- N! I'll say it again. Cause I'm a woman, Double U- O- M- A- N and that's all."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)