Heaven is For Real

Today I needed something to do. I went grocery shopping early in the morning and Connor and I had a water fight outside, but (if you saw the weather outside today, you would completely understand) I had zero desire to do anything except sit around. Yes, there were dishes to be put away and re-loaded, laundry needed to be switched and another load started, the kitchen could have been picked up and there are still some groceries left to find homes in the crowded pantry...but the skies were so overcast and ick....

Ben and Connor went fishing and Alaina was down for a nap so I opened up my Kindle and decided to start Heaven is for Real, a book I had downloaded months ago but never had the courage to pick it up and read it (I'll get to that in a minute). When we were flying to the Jersey Shore in the beginning of July a lady sitting next to me shared it with me. She said she wasn't very far into it, but she already thought it was a fantastic book. I tucked it away in the memory bank thinking I needed to read it soon. I had it downloaded since we got back home from vacation but I was really nervous to read it. Colton (the boy in the book) was about the same age Connor is now when he goes through his medical emergency and, if I am really honest here, there are some parts of being a Christian that make me fearful.

However, I turned on my e-book and finished it in one afternoon. I can honestly tell you that this is the best book I have ever read in my entire life. That is saying a lot because I have read a lot and love to read. This book (and I promise I am not giving anything away here) makes me completely re-evaluate how and why I pray. The way I view my children and the way the Lord views children. It has rocked me to the core and in the best way humanly possible. There are chapters when I am trembling from crying so far, completely immersed in the "ugly cry" where I couldn't catch my breath (Thank goodness Ben and Connor had gone fishing by this point!) and there were chapters when tears fell silently from my eyes knowing the beauty and wonder at the grace, mercy and hope my Father provides for me. The details provided by Colton made my jaw drop, gave me chills and had me full of promise.

I am thankful that one day a few years ago a friend introduced me to a Beth Moore Bible Study with girl's I barely knew and they opened my eyes to the glory of our Risen Savior...since then I have witnessed God's presence, I have seen the ways prayers lift up the down-trodden and have felt the Holy Spirit descend upon myself and Alaina when our loved ones were lifting us up in prayers while we were in the hospital. I see the sunrises and sunsets and know the beauty and their colors (you will get that color reference when you read the book) are a taste of what's to come.

I feel like I am blabbling along but I can not, under any circumstance, convey in any human words how moved I am by this book. How touched I am by the purity, innocence and true testimony of a 3-year-old who has no clue what the testimony really means. If you remember, place it in your memory bank, download it for another time or check it out from your local library. I promise- it is worth every page.

So after 7+ weeks of either traveling, vacationing, packing or unpacking for vacation, visitors, and just plain old madness, I am back. I am back to having a clean house and a laundry schedule. I am back to hitting the gym. I am back to my normal routine. It feels so good to get back to what "normal" means in my house, but alas...all my excitement about getting back in the groove came to a crashing halt this morning.

I packed my gym bag last night and the kids bag so I had ZERO excuses in the morning. Recently I have been having a tough time getting up in the morning (which is strange for me since I am a morning person) and this morning was no different but I got everyone ready and out the door (albeit a couple minutes later than I wanted). We got to the gym and I decided to weigh myself and see what 7 weeks of damage can do. A LOT! A lot of damage! Almost 15 pounds, sore knees, lethargy, uncoordination, not fitting in clothes, feeling blah all the time has hit me like a ton of bricks. But, for me, it's more than just the weight that is sticking around. That extra baby fat that lingers in all the undesirable places. It is not having the energy to keep up with Connor when he plays soccer. Feeling like I am going to fall asleep in the evenings when we are outside with the neighbors. It's losing that "sexy" feeling when Ben comes behind me to smack me on the butt. It's barely being able to stretch out my knees when I have had them bent too long cutting fabric. It's feeling decades older than 31. It's headaches for no apparent reason. It's that blah fog that encompasses my day to day activities. The mundane ones...I don't even have the excuses of going above and beyond. Nope...it's the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the dusting, the mopping, the bottles, etc.

A girlfriend reminded me of something last night that I had totally forgotten and so, before this blog becomes more EMO and "I think I need roll over and die", I am going to keep reminding myself of this one phrase..."Who are you?"

After Connor was born, I lost myself then too. I felt like I wasn't anybody. I was a cook, a maid, a financial planner, I was a taxi driver, I was an event planner. While I know I am all of those things....who am I?? I am Connor and Alaina's mom, I am Ben's wife, I am SSG Boyce's wife...I wanted a piece of something that was just me. That was all mine and didn't attach me to anyone or anything else. I will forever be Connor and Alaina's mommy and Ben's wife but some of what I am feeling is more than just extra post-pregnancy weight...it is a loss of Tiffany. So, with that being said and a very sad and blue place right now, I am working for a goal. I am signing up today for the Infantry Soldier Half Marathon that will take place in November here in Fort Benning to benefit the National Infantry Museum and (as soon as I figure out where the sign up is online) I will be registering for the Mogadishu 5K in Uptown Columbus in honor of the 6 fallen Rangers that gave their lives for that particular campaign. I am finding myself again. Running a 5K and a Half is all about me. It is my goal, it is my journey, it is my preparation and the finish line is mine. Without working outside the home, it is hard to carve out a place uniquely for you in your family. This is my chance to clear my head, strive and work towards a goal and stand on my own two feet in a part of my life that doesn't rely on anyone else. I guess I needed this more than I know. All the other benefits will follow; dropping weight, more motivation and energy, increased stamina to keep up with 2 kids but it is the thrill of accomplishing something as Tiffany that brings me more excitement than I can put into words.

In all the hectic and craziness of life, don't lose yourself. Find yourself somewhere. Carve out a piece of your family that is singularly, beautifully yours. Be a role model for your kids that you can be your own person and be a contributing member of your family all at the same time. Make yourself the kind of mom that your son's want to marry and your daughter's hope to be like when they grow up. Be that well rounded ("zen mommy" :) ) that I know is in your heart and soul to be. That's what I am working for now...

And gold in the Mommy Olympics goes to you

I mentioned in my last post about the Mommy Olympics. A word that makes me blood boil and cringe. The Mommy Olympics (for those of you not familiar with the term) is when moms feel that burning desire to turn everything their baby/child (or how they are parenting) is doing into a competition. It's a race to see whose kid can accomplish whatever better/faster/cooler than anyone else's kid. And let me tell you, it's not just mom's that do this. I have an unnamed relative that is notorious for boasting about a child in their life in the attempts to outshine anyone else's child.

Now that I have Alaina, I have had one of each kind of child. Connor was "in front of the curve" and was doing and hitting milestones a little on earlier side and Alaina is "behind the curve" and hitting her milestones later. Connor doesn't stop, he is go go go from sun-up to sun-down. Alaina likes to do things in her own time. It's obnoxious that mom's aren't remembering that every child is his or her own person, absolutely perfect just the way they are. Parents (especially new moms) are so stressed and worried about whether or not their baby is developing as it is, the last thing they need is another mom criticizing or judging what is happening in their child's life.

I can honestly say I have been on the receiving end of unintentional baby olympics in life when Connor was born. A lot of us ladies had babies within a 6-8 week period and it was very easy to look at everyone else's child and wonder if your baby is on track. All that self doubt and analyzation crept in daily asking "am I doing enough," "is Connor being challenged enough?" Oh no, Baby X rolled, why isn't Connor rolling? All this undue pressure on myself made Connor's first year more stressful than enjoyable. Into his 2nd year, I started to relax, knowing he was fine in his own time and doing things the way he wanted to do them and with that reassurance I am not worrying about Alaina taking her time to do her thing.

I hear a lot of griping about women being hard on women and we are our own worst enemies...obviously that doesn't stop at mommy-hood. When we share that bond of having perfect, beautiful babies and could share experiencing the joy of motherhood we are instead judging, putting each other down, criticizing other kids and parenting skills. My hope is that I lift up other moms in their challenges that are sometimes different, sometimes similiar to my own. I hope that I find words of encouragement to lift up a stressed out mom whose struggles I don't understand because my struggles are different. I pray that I stop judging others and that others stop judging me on the basis of kids and how they act/behave and they way I chose to raise them.

The Zen Mommy

Is there such a thing as a "zen mommy"? I mean seriously?!? Zen for me only happens (on those rare occasions) in the first 5-10 minutes when I am allowed by my kids to slowly wake up and enjoy that peaceful quiet serenity of the morning sun before my feet hit the floor and I'm off at hundred miles an hour. Can that kind of Mommy actually exist? The one that has a relatively clean house, the laundry always done and the food always on the table on time. The one that has the time for all the housework, makes time for kid-bonding time and kid-free time and still be stress-free, easy-going and enjoy it all along the way?

I was reading an article in my most recent Parent's magazine about being a "Zen Mommy" and rolled my eyes as this woman started to describe herself. Her and husband lived Upstate New York in a monastary. By choice, the couple was up before 4am in silence and did chores and shared meals with 40 other people. Granted, my husband staying silent is sometimes a blessing, but realistically, I mean, what kind of life would that be?!? I heard myself pre-judging this lady until all of a sudden she startes saying something brilliant, like...

Zen wisdom states: Do what you're doing while you're doing it.
Mommy translation: Stop multitasking!
Guilty as charged! I am notorious for checking email, drinking coffee and giving Alaina a bottle- all at the same time. I am horrible at going outside to play with Connor only to stop and do something else because it needs to be done at that exact instant. my life is happening right now! The past is over, the future hasn't happened yet but I am actively living in the present so why am I not living? Why am I cramming 400 activities/tasks into one day and not giving 100% of my attention to something and doing it with love and a full heart?



Zen wisdom says: Leave no trace.
Mommy translation: Take responsibility for yourself and your mess. And teach your children to do the same.

Can I just tell you how many times I plop down after a long day. I finally getting the kids to bed and just sit on the couch. No brain activity happening and all my energy zapped from a day of playing, errands, tantrums, crying or tears, high energy or whatever the case may be for that particular day. I will look at the kitchen, the bedroom, the living room and see stuff sitting around. How do I expect Connor to be responsible for his belongings when, by example, I am not being responsible for mine? Do I expect things to be perfection and sparkling every day? Of course not! I'm not delusional...I mean, seriously, I have an energetic 3-year-old and an just starting to be mobile infant. BUT, I should work on being more aware of what I leave in my wake. I make the joke at the house that there is a "trail 'o Ben." It is a perfect path of everywhere my husband is/ has been from the time he walks in the door until he gets into bed because I can find the remnants of his strewn throughout the house. His boots by the door, his BDU top over the chair, his cup from dinner on the table after the meal, his snack on the table in the living room, his t-shirt on the floor next to the bed. Not that I am picking on my husband, but it is the perfect example of the "traces" we leave behind us that little things add up and there is nothing wrong with teaching Connor (and myself) awareness and responsibility for our belongings.

Zen wisdom says: Take just the right amount.

Mommy translation: Limit acquiring too much stuff.

I think THIS is the downfall of all new mommies (and daddies and grandparents too). We want our kids to have it all. We see a cute toy on the shelf and think "oh that is too adorable to pass up." We want all the coolest educational activities because goodness knows is the "Mommy Olympics" we can't have our kids falling behind the power curve. (Which, by the way, is one of my biggest pet peeves about moms- the Mommy Olympics...maybe I'll blog about it another time.) But I digress... The author of the article asks you to ask yourself this simple question everytime you are tempted to add something into your already jammed-crammed house, "Do I really require as much (food, money, things) as I think I do in this moment?" I actually had this realization a few months ago. Connor had accumulated so many toys and when we started adding Alaina's stuff to the mix, we were simply out of room. Connor's job was to pick 20 items that he was okay giving to someone else. The concept was a little challenging at his age. He kept assuming that if we give toys to someone who needs them, then they give us their toys in return. We'll get there.

So is Zen-Mommyhood possible? Not for this type-A highly structured and organized momma...but I love the lessons from this article and it reminds me that my actions to my kids are louder than any orders I give them, time-out's I put them in or arguments we have. I am the example for my children to follow.