It's been a month since my last blog and I don't know where I have been. We have been busy. We have been enjoying being a family. But I haven't been where I need to be, at the same time. My life is so wonderful right now. The love I feel for my husband is above and beyond, the love and adoration I feel for my son is more enveloping than words can express....but I am lacking in my love for the Lord. I have found it so difficult to keep up on my Bible Study and I am definitely not getting the fellowship that I need. I feel like some of my biggest and greatest prayer requests that I can ever remember having aren't being answered and in my frail and weak human mind, I want the answers and direction now......not when it truly is the appropriate and perfect time and place.
I have put on some weight since we have moved and I am feeling very uncomfortable in my skin, both physically, but also mentally and emotionally as well. So, I posted a quote on Facebook and in true and typical God fashion, it has been in my face and everywhere I turn ALL DAY LONG! The quote was "If you want something in your life to change, you have to change something in your life."
Biggest Loser smacked me in the face, reminding me that to get healthy again it needs to be a priority before it is a situation that takes more than just monitoring my food and exercise. Health problems run in both Ben's and my families and we don't want to pass that heavy burden onto Connor when we can break the cycle. I read my Bible Study, Power of a Praying Parent" this morning and it smacked me in the face, reminding me that just because I have been saved doesn't mean I slack off. "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:12-14.
I need to be the change I want to see. Is something lacking in my life? Be the change!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Hahaha....ah-ha!
I had my ah-ha moment this morning but, unfortunately, it has been a gradual progression and it is a good ah-ha in that I am so thankful I had it, but am really sad it took me so long.
I needed the Lord and I neglected Him because of 4000 excuses I had but it remained that I thought my way was better and that I had it all under control. Dear Child, the Lord tells me....if only you remembered Me.
So, let's start from the beginning. Packing day two weeks ago was sad. I watched everything boxed up and our entire life sitting in the garage and in our rooms in brown cardboard boxes. Loading day was worse...I was so sad but too busy to recognize it. Our entire home was loaded onto this HUGE truck in less than 3 hours and it was at that moment, when we loaded the rest of the stuff into our cars and packed up the kids that the overwhelming sensation set in that "this was it." I had a horrible sick feeling the entire drive to our new "home." I was leaving my friends and support system, I was leaving our home that is still unsold, I was going to a place I didn't know with people I didn't know. We got here and stayed in the house with no furniture for a few days, I got sick, we ate fast food for every meal, our stuff got here and we were overloaded with boxes and I didn't know where to start, got more sick, Connor has been acting out, and to top everything off now....my beloved Grandmother is, probably, dying of pancreatic cancer.
I have been trying to pray at night when I go to bed and it just didn't seem to be doing the trick...I was, virtually, doggie paddling and barely keeping my head afloat between sadness, lonliness and fear. I praised Him a few nights for making this amazing change in my husband who is becoming (again) the man I married, no longer angry and frustrated with his job and family, but again overwhelmingly loving, kind, caring and patient....he is the beautiful person I knew him to be when I fell in love with him. I praised Him for showing my sister the light of His word to "rediscover" her faith in Him. My heart burst with excitment to hear the words from her mouth that she is turning her gorgeous face to His hands and for His purpose. And yet, I was still sad.....
After news of my grandmother yesterday, I felt like someone had literally taken my heart from my chest and broke it in two. I felt like I was going to throw up. She is a rock and the most god-centered woman I know. She completely, whole-heartedly lives her life to please Him and praise Him. I reflect on her prayer journal occasionally that is dated 1944. She is the type of Christian, mother, woman I would want to more emulate in my life. As I prayed for peace for her and our family, I asked myself, "How would Gamas respond to this situation....how would she, is she handling it?" Hahahahaha....I literally, started laughing outloud and here is my ah-ha moment....of course it is. Once again, God smacked me upside the head and said, "Precious Child, I was here the entire time....you just needed to come to Me." Of course my Gamas would turn to the Lord and here I was for 2 weeks ignoring His constant calls.
I found the motivation to re-open my Beth Moore "Breaking Free" study and picked up where I left off. I am not there yet...but I feel more at peace. Through His grace, I found the time to do what I needed to do at the house, complete one day of the Bible Study and even have a little relaxation time before Connor woke up from his nap. Praise Him that he let me fit in all in. It is, most certainly, not my time management skills that let me accomplish it all today and still fill the fullness of the joy and love His provides. Each time my world is "falling apart" and the stress seems more than I can bear, I can bet it is because I have left my God somewhere. Or, in Beth Moore's words, I wasn't on the same journey God was on for me. I got lost, but rest assured, I am making my way back on track now. Praise Him for ah-ha moments!
I needed the Lord and I neglected Him because of 4000 excuses I had but it remained that I thought my way was better and that I had it all under control. Dear Child, the Lord tells me....if only you remembered Me.
So, let's start from the beginning. Packing day two weeks ago was sad. I watched everything boxed up and our entire life sitting in the garage and in our rooms in brown cardboard boxes. Loading day was worse...I was so sad but too busy to recognize it. Our entire home was loaded onto this HUGE truck in less than 3 hours and it was at that moment, when we loaded the rest of the stuff into our cars and packed up the kids that the overwhelming sensation set in that "this was it." I had a horrible sick feeling the entire drive to our new "home." I was leaving my friends and support system, I was leaving our home that is still unsold, I was going to a place I didn't know with people I didn't know. We got here and stayed in the house with no furniture for a few days, I got sick, we ate fast food for every meal, our stuff got here and we were overloaded with boxes and I didn't know where to start, got more sick, Connor has been acting out, and to top everything off now....my beloved Grandmother is, probably, dying of pancreatic cancer.
I have been trying to pray at night when I go to bed and it just didn't seem to be doing the trick...I was, virtually, doggie paddling and barely keeping my head afloat between sadness, lonliness and fear. I praised Him a few nights for making this amazing change in my husband who is becoming (again) the man I married, no longer angry and frustrated with his job and family, but again overwhelmingly loving, kind, caring and patient....he is the beautiful person I knew him to be when I fell in love with him. I praised Him for showing my sister the light of His word to "rediscover" her faith in Him. My heart burst with excitment to hear the words from her mouth that she is turning her gorgeous face to His hands and for His purpose. And yet, I was still sad.....
After news of my grandmother yesterday, I felt like someone had literally taken my heart from my chest and broke it in two. I felt like I was going to throw up. She is a rock and the most god-centered woman I know. She completely, whole-heartedly lives her life to please Him and praise Him. I reflect on her prayer journal occasionally that is dated 1944. She is the type of Christian, mother, woman I would want to more emulate in my life. As I prayed for peace for her and our family, I asked myself, "How would Gamas respond to this situation....how would she, is she handling it?" Hahahahaha....I literally, started laughing outloud and here is my ah-ha moment....of course it is. Once again, God smacked me upside the head and said, "Precious Child, I was here the entire time....you just needed to come to Me." Of course my Gamas would turn to the Lord and here I was for 2 weeks ignoring His constant calls.
I found the motivation to re-open my Beth Moore "Breaking Free" study and picked up where I left off. I am not there yet...but I feel more at peace. Through His grace, I found the time to do what I needed to do at the house, complete one day of the Bible Study and even have a little relaxation time before Connor woke up from his nap. Praise Him that he let me fit in all in. It is, most certainly, not my time management skills that let me accomplish it all today and still fill the fullness of the joy and love His provides. Each time my world is "falling apart" and the stress seems more than I can bear, I can bet it is because I have left my God somewhere. Or, in Beth Moore's words, I wasn't on the same journey God was on for me. I got lost, but rest assured, I am making my way back on track now. Praise Him for ah-ha moments!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
First taste
We are t-minus our first PCS (permanent change of station). This is my first taste of the bittersweet effects of a military move. When I moved away from home to Hunter Army Airfield with Ben the morning after we got married, I had a tough time. I cried my eyes out saying good-bye to my family and the life I had known for almost 25 years.
This is different. The excitement of a new adventure is the same, but when I left my friends and family in Ohio, I knew I would see them again. They have been a part of my life for so long that I knew moving wouldn't diminish the relationships I shared with any of them, despite the distance and few times I got to come back to Cincinnati. When you make a military move, you know as you take those last things off the wall and watch the movers pack up your life that you may never again see some of the people that (for your time at your current duty station) were the backbone of your world. It's not for lack of want, but lack of finances that make it impossible to see some friends again.....only fate let's you meet again somewhere in the world under different circumstances at yet another duty station.
Some of these women I have had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know here at Hunter may not be my best friends who know me better than all others...but they became my sisters. They were the only ones who knew the sadness and loneliness of deployments and the joy and overwhelming excitment at a 4-day weekend. They are the blessed few who understand the anticipation of another "honeymoon" because their husbands are coming home from another deployment and no one judges you because you disappear for a few days or weeks while you try and figure things out with the husband who came home from a long TDY. We are at each others baby showers and kids birthday parties, we share struggles and triumphs, we cry and laugh at the same "war stories." These women start book clubs, Bible studies, lunch groups and playdates to help pass the time and stay connected. I have known so many of these ladies for less than 2 years and the connection we share is beyond what words can express.
I am so grateful that these women have been a part of my life through such a challenging past 5 years. I couldn't be more excited for the next chapter in our lives at Fort Benning. We are going to experience, for the very first time, what it means to be a family. To have the time to bond without the threat of a deployment looming overhead, the thrill of having weekends to actually do an activity outside of a 30 minute radius, the joy of a fairly predictable schedule....but I am so sad. I am so sad that I am leaving behind another family. The bittersweet taste is hard to swallow even though I know it is beautiful and wonderful things in our future. Best make the most of these last two weeks and make them count!
This is different. The excitement of a new adventure is the same, but when I left my friends and family in Ohio, I knew I would see them again. They have been a part of my life for so long that I knew moving wouldn't diminish the relationships I shared with any of them, despite the distance and few times I got to come back to Cincinnati. When you make a military move, you know as you take those last things off the wall and watch the movers pack up your life that you may never again see some of the people that (for your time at your current duty station) were the backbone of your world. It's not for lack of want, but lack of finances that make it impossible to see some friends again.....only fate let's you meet again somewhere in the world under different circumstances at yet another duty station.
Some of these women I have had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know here at Hunter may not be my best friends who know me better than all others...but they became my sisters. They were the only ones who knew the sadness and loneliness of deployments and the joy and overwhelming excitment at a 4-day weekend. They are the blessed few who understand the anticipation of another "honeymoon" because their husbands are coming home from another deployment and no one judges you because you disappear for a few days or weeks while you try and figure things out with the husband who came home from a long TDY. We are at each others baby showers and kids birthday parties, we share struggles and triumphs, we cry and laugh at the same "war stories." These women start book clubs, Bible studies, lunch groups and playdates to help pass the time and stay connected. I have known so many of these ladies for less than 2 years and the connection we share is beyond what words can express.
I am so grateful that these women have been a part of my life through such a challenging past 5 years. I couldn't be more excited for the next chapter in our lives at Fort Benning. We are going to experience, for the very first time, what it means to be a family. To have the time to bond without the threat of a deployment looming overhead, the thrill of having weekends to actually do an activity outside of a 30 minute radius, the joy of a fairly predictable schedule....but I am so sad. I am so sad that I am leaving behind another family. The bittersweet taste is hard to swallow even though I know it is beautiful and wonderful things in our future. Best make the most of these last two weeks and make them count!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
We went to church last night for Ash Wednesday services. I was going to go by myself because Ben was still a little under the weather and service started at 6:00pm., which is nearing on Connor's bedtime. Last minute, Ben thought it would be good to go as a family. I was thrilled that he thought so but a little apprehensive because I know what Connor is like in church, doubled with an incredibly out of routine night.
Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite church services; it symbolizes so much in the Christian faith. Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent, the beginning of the 40 days Jesus went into the wilderness right before holy week and my very favorite holiday of them all, Easter. The entire season of Lent means so much to me because it is a very tangible reminder that we are capable of starting over, starting fresh. Lent usually falls right smackdab into the beginning of Spring and what better reminder of a beautiful, fresh start than the sun shining, birds singing, tulips, daylilies, and all those gorgeous spring flowers in bloom? I really love this time of year.
Outside of the religious significance of Lent, the sermon last night was about internal vs. external appearances. How much time, money and energy we spend to look "beautiful." Unfortunately, internally, most of us aren't that great. They don't sell Sephora for the soul.
Now, don't get me wrong. I make it a priority to look presentable and I don't think anyone expects you to stop taking care of yourself but the point is this. Are you investing as much time being the best person you can be? Is it anywhere near as much time as you invest on your external appearance? What a great season to start making some changes so the internal and external are more in line.
And P.S.- Connor was a great boy in church!
Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite church services; it symbolizes so much in the Christian faith. Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent, the beginning of the 40 days Jesus went into the wilderness right before holy week and my very favorite holiday of them all, Easter. The entire season of Lent means so much to me because it is a very tangible reminder that we are capable of starting over, starting fresh. Lent usually falls right smackdab into the beginning of Spring and what better reminder of a beautiful, fresh start than the sun shining, birds singing, tulips, daylilies, and all those gorgeous spring flowers in bloom? I really love this time of year.
Outside of the religious significance of Lent, the sermon last night was about internal vs. external appearances. How much time, money and energy we spend to look "beautiful." Unfortunately, internally, most of us aren't that great. They don't sell Sephora for the soul.
Now, don't get me wrong. I make it a priority to look presentable and I don't think anyone expects you to stop taking care of yourself but the point is this. Are you investing as much time being the best person you can be? Is it anywhere near as much time as you invest on your external appearance? What a great season to start making some changes so the internal and external are more in line.
And P.S.- Connor was a great boy in church!
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