I had my ah-ha moment this morning but, unfortunately, it has been a gradual progression and it is a good ah-ha in that I am so thankful I had it, but am really sad it took me so long.
I needed the Lord and I neglected Him because of 4000 excuses I had but it remained that I thought my way was better and that I had it all under control. Dear Child, the Lord tells me....if only you remembered Me.
So, let's start from the beginning. Packing day two weeks ago was sad. I watched everything boxed up and our entire life sitting in the garage and in our rooms in brown cardboard boxes. Loading day was worse...I was so sad but too busy to recognize it. Our entire home was loaded onto this HUGE truck in less than 3 hours and it was at that moment, when we loaded the rest of the stuff into our cars and packed up the kids that the overwhelming sensation set in that "this was it." I had a horrible sick feeling the entire drive to our new "home." I was leaving my friends and support system, I was leaving our home that is still unsold, I was going to a place I didn't know with people I didn't know. We got here and stayed in the house with no furniture for a few days, I got sick, we ate fast food for every meal, our stuff got here and we were overloaded with boxes and I didn't know where to start, got more sick, Connor has been acting out, and to top everything off now....my beloved Grandmother is, probably, dying of pancreatic cancer.
I have been trying to pray at night when I go to bed and it just didn't seem to be doing the trick...I was, virtually, doggie paddling and barely keeping my head afloat between sadness, lonliness and fear. I praised Him a few nights for making this amazing change in my husband who is becoming (again) the man I married, no longer angry and frustrated with his job and family, but again overwhelmingly loving, kind, caring and patient....he is the beautiful person I knew him to be when I fell in love with him. I praised Him for showing my sister the light of His word to "rediscover" her faith in Him. My heart burst with excitment to hear the words from her mouth that she is turning her gorgeous face to His hands and for His purpose. And yet, I was still sad.....
After news of my grandmother yesterday, I felt like someone had literally taken my heart from my chest and broke it in two. I felt like I was going to throw up. She is a rock and the most god-centered woman I know. She completely, whole-heartedly lives her life to please Him and praise Him. I reflect on her prayer journal occasionally that is dated 1944. She is the type of Christian, mother, woman I would want to more emulate in my life. As I prayed for peace for her and our family, I asked myself, "How would Gamas respond to this situation....how would she, is she handling it?" Hahahahaha....I literally, started laughing outloud and here is my ah-ha moment....of course it is. Once again, God smacked me upside the head and said, "Precious Child, I was here the entire time....you just needed to come to Me." Of course my Gamas would turn to the Lord and here I was for 2 weeks ignoring His constant calls.
I found the motivation to re-open my Beth Moore "Breaking Free" study and picked up where I left off. I am not there yet...but I feel more at peace. Through His grace, I found the time to do what I needed to do at the house, complete one day of the Bible Study and even have a little relaxation time before Connor woke up from his nap. Praise Him that he let me fit in all in. It is, most certainly, not my time management skills that let me accomplish it all today and still fill the fullness of the joy and love His provides. Each time my world is "falling apart" and the stress seems more than I can bear, I can bet it is because I have left my God somewhere. Or, in Beth Moore's words, I wasn't on the same journey God was on for me. I got lost, but rest assured, I am making my way back on track now. Praise Him for ah-ha moments!
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