I know most of us...well, actually, us children of the 80's who have memories of the Clinton Administration can remember "It Takes a Village" and attribute it to Hillary Clinton's book on children in America. It was her vision for a society where all a children's needs are met. The phrase actually stems from an ancient African proverb, loosely translated into "it takes a village/community to raise a child."
Someone at church said this to me in passing a few weeks ago. Connor decided to join us at church and instead of sitting with us (where we were terrified he would misbehave, speak during the prayers, jump all around, you know, the normal fears that your child is going to be a child during the most non-child time). He wanted to sit with another family that were directly behind us and he sat quietly, intently, "perfect" the entire first part of the service. Trust me, we weren't dumb enough to make him sit there for the sermon and expect the same behavior!! But Mr. Sharitt (the father who Connor decided to sit with) leaned in after I turned around once to check on Connor and said, "Please stop worrying, it takes a village."
Now, for a neurotic mom like me, this is a tough concept. I really don't like relying on other people for help. It makes me feel "inadequate" as a mom. Like the helping party clearly views me as unable to provide and care for my own children. I guess for some helping people, this may be the case, but in most cases, I have found that any parent with any age child joins the Club of Parenthood and instantly inherits this piece of heart that will help out another member of the club in need. Prime example: I have found it much smoother to fly by myself with children than with my husband because the TSA employees are so over-the-top helpful to a single mom flying with 2 children and go out of their way to make the security checks (and whatever you need) as painless as possible.
I have actually started "enlisting" people at church to be a part of this "village" with myself and my kids. I started reading The Five Love Languages-Children and while I read the adult version when Ben and I first got married, the kids version opened my eyes in so many ways. Until the age of 5, no child has a "primary" love language. Not just one which is one of the reasons preschoolers can be so tough and challenging. They have a nice healthy mix of all 5!! Talk about another reason to keep you on your toes! Connor is predominantely words of affirmation, touch and quality time. As I have really focused in on these 3 things with him and (with an overly ridiculous amount of patience) worked hard to make sure I am keeping his love tank filled, I have noticed such a change in his attitude. I am NOT by any stretch saying that this is a cure-all and we certainly have a moment(s) every day where he and I are in the middle of a serious behavioral crossroad but by my ensuring his love tank is filled, he has been much more receptive to discipline and we aren't getting so bad that we are in throws of a full-on preschooler meltdown, complete with the arms and jumping around a la chimp trapped in a cage.
So here is the thing- remember that it takes a village. Before we are so quick to judge as you see the mom in the grocery store with the kids acting all chimped-out crazy, a little compassion and understanding go a long way and for anyone who sees Connor and Alaina frequently, I have a request. I am putting down my suit of armor that I am the only person who can help shape their little personalities and that I am the only person who can give them what they need. Nope- not true. It takes a village. Everyone is so quick to discipline a child for what they are doing wrong and steering them to do the right thing, but if you catch Connor doing something awesome- let him know! Pull him aside and thank him for making a good choice. Alaina is so positively responsive to genuine smiles. Be a village. Be a community that cares about what is being raised in our society and culture. What if we were to stop being so self-centered? Isn't is interesting that in our grandparents generation, families heavily relied on the "village" concept and there didn't seem to be nearly as much crime, self-centeredness, all the things we really seem to complain about with later generations. Can we change the entire country? Nah. But can you change your village? Absolutely. I resolve to be the change I want to see.
